School for the newly blessed

We attended our first of four birthing classes last night at Banner Thunderbird hospital and were not really sure what to expect. We were instructed to bring two pillows and a large towel so we assumed we would be sitting on the ground just like you always see in the movies. I was not so thrilled about this because 2 1/2 hours on the floor even with a pillow was not very enticing. I grabbed two pillows off the bed but had to discourage Danielle from bringing the memory foam one with the Tow Mater pillowcase from the movie Cars. If this class was in 4 months we could say the pillow was DLB's but for now I didn't want to be the only one with a Disney themed birthing practice bed. When we got there we found it to be in a large conference room, with chairs and tables around a large space in which it seemed we would be getting comfy later. All the soon-to-be parents seated around the U shaped table setup with all their pillows and towels looked like some strange kind of adult slumber party waiting to happen.

We were packed in there pretty tight so instead of hiding behind the stack of pillows we had brought, and to spare us and those seated around us from the strange mothball smell that permeated the clean pillow cases we pulled form the linen storage, I laid down my jacket and put them on the floor behind us. I though I was the only smart one in the room as everyone else kept them on the table in front of them. As I was about to find out once again in my life I rarely am the smartest one in the room. The first thing our teacher talked about was we would not actually be on the floor because she felt that hospitals floors were incredibly dirty and she would not want to expose our linens to that kind of cornucopia of germs. I however, in my infinite wisdom, had not foreseen that tidbit of knowledge and could hear the germs jumping up and down on our pillows behind us. Actually, I had laid down my germ resistant leather jacket to protect us so all would be well. I really believe that so let me be.

Our teacher has been a nurse since 1954 and has a lot of knowledge of obstetrics and babies. The first part of the class was a little boring as she talked an awful lot about nutrition which we have already heard from our doctor. She was informative but we were getting a little bored as was the rest of the class so we had to stand up and do some 'breathing exercises' to wake us up. Not necessarily to help with easing the 'discomfort' of childbirth but to wake us up. It did work though and I'll probably try it at work next time I get to the point where I'm zombified.

At the end of the class we watched a video that I expected to graphically show what happens during birth. Crowning, water breaking, splatters, epesiotomies, cottage cheese covered babies, and the other wonderful things I have had described to me. Over the years I have seen parts of these things on TV until I accidentally changed the channel before the images burned into my mind and produced night terrors. Fortunately it was a very interesting film that was more informative about the third trimester and what is happening to a woman's body as the baby prepares to enter the world. I expected to see a film like the ones in Health class back in high school, shot in the 60's or 70's and narrated by the same guy who used to do the Disney nature films from the same time period. This one was not quite as old, obviously shot in the early 90's, and well narrated. I pointed out to Danielle one guys haircut that was the same one I had when I was hired at Sardella's in 1991, shaved all the way around the sides and back but long on top pulled back into a ponytail. I remembered how cool I looked. I think she choked on her laughter.

At the very end they did show an actual birth but not too graphically and I made it through fine. It made me feel that I would make it through our baby's birth without landing on the germ laden hospital floor. Then I saw the placenta. My jaw went agape. WHAT THE? No one ever told me that after the most incredible experience I could imagine, my wife was going to 'give birth' to a bloody melon that they would catch in a bucket. I always thought a placenta was a withered piece of fleshy stuff that kinda just came out after the baby and I wouldn't even see the thing. In the video the doctor brought it over to show the mother the bloody watermelon she had passed and even moved it around for a better view for her. NOT NECESSARY. Even as I write this my face is wrinkled in shock of seeing this. We (I) must remember to bring this up with the doctor and let him know that we (I) do not need to get a better look at the afterbirth produce aisle.

That concluded our first class, and gosh darn it, we only have 3 more to go!